RUSSELL BRAND

That statement in full.

‘Always consensual’

This is becoming a habit, but I think it’s important to interpret these statements made by prominent men accused of awful things.

Last week, as it was announced the Met Police had charged Russell Brand with multiple counts of rape, oral rape and sexual assault, he released a statement from a sunny back garden in (I suppose) America, where he cheerfully celebrated the ‘opportunity’ to refute the charges and clear his name.

The statement read as follows:

'Hello. Firstly thank you for these incredible and overwhelming messages of support.

'We’re very fortunate in a way to live in a time when there is so little trust in the British Government.

'We’re very fortunate I suppose that this is happening at a time when we know that the law has become a kind of weapon to be used against people, institutions and sometimes entire nations that will not accept and tolerate levels of corruption that are unprecedented.

'I’m speaking particularly to those of you who are watching this in the UK.

'How do you feel about your legal system right now? How do you feel about some of the high-profile cases that are not being pursued and prosecuted?

'How do you feel that the Southport murders were handled? How do you feel about the Government of Keir Starmer?

'Now that’s just sort of general context.

'Me, I’ve always told you guys that when I was young and single, before I had my wife and family who are just out of shot over there, my beautiful children, I was a fool, man.

'I was a fool before I lived in the light of the Lord. I was a drug addict and sex addict and an imbecile.

'But what I never was a rapist. I’ve never engaged in non-consensual activity. I pray that you can see that by looking in my eyes.

'I want to thank all of you for all your continuing support. I want to let you know that our show will be on Rumble on Monday, thanks for your support there, and of course I’m now going to have the opportunity to defend these charges in court and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

'In the meantime you lot, stay free and we will be continuing to discuss this matter.

'Praise the Lord.'

He delivered this in a cowboy hat, punctuated it with the occasional demure smile and told us his ‘beautiful children’ were just off camera.

If it helps, I have ‘translated the above’ but of course this is only my interpretation of what he said.

And here’s part two.

He is due in court in London on 2 May.

Let’s see if he turns up.